#thank you internet stranger for getting it

[kari-sims]

Tomiko Moriyama (she/they) as my entry for the Total Drama Sims season 3 by @jonquilyst!! (thanks for letting me participate <3)

also huge wall of slightly amusing text below the cut (you've been warned!) cause i was caffeinated and ended up having some fun with this ৻( •̀ ᗜ •́ ৻)

👩 Age: 14 🪐 Lives in: Strangerville 🐛 Goals in life: to open a bug museum 💖 Orientation: thinks girls are cute, but doesn't want to waste their short teen years chasing them around (that's what the 20's are for!) 🎶 Hidden talent: encyclopedic knowledge of kpop girl group's songs and dances 🥇 Honorable titles: -> 'Mighty Collector of the Fun Hats' -> 'Prestigious Ambassador' at the ''International Bug Diplomacy Federation'' (only actual human member, but it'll grow, just wait!) 👍Likes: iridescent beetles / cut rock hard candy / slippery mud you can draw on / putting googly eyes on random things 👎 Dislikes: homework / cleaning things that'll get dirty again / humans evil bug killing inventions (unless it's a laser shooting death ray gun for mosquitoes, cause yeah, even a bug loving girl hates those bastards!)

[RECORD 434, another sunny day in strange Strangerville]

🔴 ▶ •၊၊||၊|။||||။‌‌‌‌‌၊|•

(sound of someone clearing their throat, followed by what's obviously a kid trying to speak in an exaggerated deep voice)

Tomiko: "Tomiko is a girl who didn't need a home with walls or windows - the roof to her 'home' has always been the sky above." (pauses, mutters to themselves) Ooh that's a good one! Wait, people will think i live in the woods, no? Wouldn't that be the dream…

(moment of silence as Tomiko daydreams, then remembers she just started recording)

"Tomiko doesn't have many friends, because she was destined to be a free-spirited loner. With the exception of Clarisse, a girl who dreams ofbecoming a marine biologist. Clarisse was made fun of by strangers on a dumb internet show she went to one day, all because she wanted to win the money and go on a trip to Sulani. Now everyone calls her the 'Dolphin Girl'. After Tomiko decided to console her at lunch in school, both of them ended up bonding over their crazy obssession with nature. They've been inseparable friends ever since."

(another pause, followed by an audible sigh)

"Well, they were inseparable, until Tomiko moved away. Now Clarisse is being weird for no reason... anyways, where was i?

(forgets why they went on a Clarisse tangent and starts to fumble with their unorganized notes)

"Oh yes, destined to be a free-spirited loner, ya-da ya-da. Unfortunately, Tomiko was forced to live in a boring house made of bricks, with white furniture, and a mom who was always mad about her muddy boots on the carpet."

(voice shifts to mimic the mom's screech)

- I'm not gonna raise a savage wild child! Since you love dirt so much, go live with your bum of a father in that Strangerplace world, or whatever it's called.

"Best thing to ever happen to me!" (voice switches to normal accidentally, then goes back to the fake deep one) - I mean - best thing to ever happen to Tomiko! Even though her dad looks kinda weird lately, walking around aimlessly at night in search of his mother. Classic dad, being a weirdo. No idea how this man got married..."

- Dad, I told you grandma still lives in Willow Creek. Why do you think she's in the middle of the desert? Also, she wouldn't be caught dead wasting away her fabulous heels in this god-forsaken place.

"Tomiko pretends she doesn't see it, because now she can do whatever she wants, why complicate things? The only problem is, there isn't much to do in Strangerville with the infection rumors going on, and all the damn sus soldiers. Also, the taste of travelling for the first time has left her wanting to see more. Imagine all the bugs she could find?! But you need money for that, sooo… what to do, what to do…"

(voice returns to normal, a bit defensive)

"Okay, fine, I'm the one recording this… (sighs) I know what you're thinking - "just steal from your dad!". Seriously, who do you think I am? Anyways, I did something else instead. I heard there's this competition with other teens where you get to travel the world, and guess what? I signed up for it! Without my parents knowing, of course, but that is irrelevant. They won't even notice I'm gone, I fear. I just hope the organizers don't ask for their permission, because Clarisse was the one who knew how to fake signatures, but now she's hanging out with other kids at school, and thinks she's better than me."

(inhales, then proceeds to speak loudly at a wall, probably)

"Like... Nina? The enemy? Be so for real right now Clarisse! My life is just grand without you! I'll get to travel the world and educate people on how bugs are friends, and definitely NOT disgusting or too dangerous! Well, most times. I'll also prove that even if you're a weird bug loving kid like me, you can still have a chance at a game that requires you to make friends. It'll be eaaasy! In a few weeks I'll be like, Clarisse who? Hahah!"

(brief pause on their flex-rant, which is totally NOT a defense mechanism because she's hurt by them growing apart. They return, slightly worried)

"Do you think I can die in there? Cause gosh, let's hope not! Imagine going on an adventure of a lifetime and not being able to tell people about your heroic deeds... that'd be so lame! Anyways, I'll see you when I see you, whoever is listening to this… Tomi out!"

🟥 ▶ •ııııııııııııııııı•

[RECORD ENDS]

wow if you're still here, thanks for reading, you wonderful bean! here, have a cute snail

(´・ᴗ・)>~🐌

[cgsf]

Fics based on a theme:

Stiles in a Contractual Relationship

••••••

—Derek/Stiles—

"Tax Evasion" (E) by standinginanicedress | 139,924 | “Here’s what I want,” Stiles starts, and Scott is already nodding along. “…I want a dude who’s going to take me out on dates. I like dinner and ice cream and all that. And I want him to meet my dad in, like, a sweater vest and khakis and shake his hand and talk about sports with the guy. And I want him to have a car and an apartment – not like, nice ones? But ones, you know? He’s got a dog, too. He drives me around and buys me stuff and is nice to my dad and my friends but then, like,” he squeezes the basketball extra hard and is sure he feels some air being let out of it, “…he ties me up sometimes, too. Is that too much to ask for? Am I reaching for the stars?”

"Don’t Take the Money" (E) by standinginanicedress | 53,469 | “Just so long as I don’t go falling in love with you, you don’t give a shit,” Derek clarifies. “Yeah. Pretty much.” “What if you go and fall in love with me?” “Ha ha,” Stiles shakes his head. “I don’t do shit like that. Alphas are disposable and they’re all just alike, when you strip them down to their parts.”

"For Your Eyes Only" (E) by standinginanicedress | 113,297 | “Are you a fucking psycho? Be honest. Are you sick in the fucking head?” Stiles asks. “No,” Derek says. “I’m a rich guy who likes twinks.” “Uh huh,” he doesn’t sound convinced. “You have twenty thousand dollars just lying around waiting to be spent on having cam sex with me?” “I do,” he shrugs. “And then some.” Silence. “You’re rich?” “Yes. I have money. I have an important job. That’s not what we’re talking about. Are you in or out?”

"One life stand" (E) by Vendelin | 84,278 | Stiles is used to selling himself to make ends meet. But it's getting harder to keep those ends meeting, and there's only so much of Stiles to go around. Until a too-fancy car shows up in his neighborhood, and he meets Derek Hale.

"Werewolf-Friendly" 🔒 (E) by badwolfbadwolf | 27,228 | Derek is a junior in college, never could get the hang of social interaction, and is, you know, a werewolf. A werewolf and a virgin. And it isn’t like anyone is banging down his door to hop on his werewolf dick, save for the few pervs who acted like he was some kind of exotic toy to be played with and experienced. So, when he sees Stiles' ad on Hot Men 4 Rent, Derek is... interested.

"Not What I Ordered" 🔒 (E) by eeyore9990 | 2,921 | Derek orders himself a bottom from a high-class escort service. What he gets is…Stiles.

"Unwind" 🔒 (E) by coffeeinallcaps | 15,047 | 'Hope you enjoy your present,' the text from Erica says. 'Payment’s taken care of. You can thank me tomorrow.'

"Disposition" (E) by Tulikettu | 56,104 | Stiles has an itch. A kinky, kinda dirty itch he needs to scratch. So why not go on the Internet and look for a complete stranger to scratch it? Derek needs a partner for his rut. What a coincidence.

"Oblivion for Two" (E) by publicdecency | 210,279 | “I’ll pay you to stop going around with other werewolves.” Stiles pushes Derek’s hand off of him, and Derek lets him. Stiles sits up. Derek sits up. They stare at one another. Stiles tries to laser through right to his dumb idiot fucking brain. “What did you just say?”

"A Mating Moon" (E) by unpossible | 37,353 | “Hey, Scott, so, I uh, there’s this amazingly hot guy and I’m uh, gonna spend the weekend with him but, you know, just to be careful, I’m sending you his picture, so if by some terrible chance my bloated corpse shows up sometime Monday, just, y’know pass this along to the authorities.” He pauses. “Uh. Kidding?” and then hangs up with a rush of air. “That is the worst voicemail in the history of voicemails,” Derek says.

"Millstone" (E) by eleanor_lavish | 31,368 | Derek waits until the door is shut behind him before he turns around. He holds out his hand, plants his ‘if you’re not weird about it, I won’t be’ smile on his face and says, “Nice to meet you, Stiles. I’m Michael. What kind of a good time are you looking for tonight?”

"Don't Worry Baby" (E) by kalpurna | 20,276 | "You know you're allowed to ask for vanilla sex, right?" he says, afterwards. "We can do whatever you want. That's kind of the point." Derek doesn't respond.

"but monsters are always hungry, darling" (E) by Rena | 7,071 | "I just...I just want someone to fuck me,” he blurts out, flailing his hands around. “I mean, like, really fuck me. Not any of this wishy-washy stuff, but someone with strength and stamina who’ll actually, honestly, fuck me, hold me down and fuck me so hard I can still feel it the next day.” “So, essentially, you want a werewolf,” Lydia deduces.

"Three Phone Calls" 🔒 (M) by pandabomb | 15,676 | Scott and Stiles live in a shitty apartment in NYC, Lydia is still queenly, and Derek is a clueless rich guy who mistakes Stiles for a hooker.

"Sell Your Body to the Night" (E) by Dira Sudis | 121,553 | "No," Derek repeated impatiently. "I'm not a cop. I'm someone who wants to exchange my money for your sexual services. I was told you were in that line of work." "I, uh, yeah, sorry," Stiles said. He glanced around again and then up--the full moon was almost directly overhead. Just one of those nights, maybe. "Yeah, I am. I do that."

"The Civilian" 🔒 (E) by bloodwrites | 15,279 | Stiles started hustling by accident. He likes the way it makes him feel too much to stop. Even the risk involved with selling himself in dark, dirty alleys doesn't stop him from doing it again and again. Not every night, sometimes not even every week, but he always goes back, looking for more of what he needs.

"A Whole Strip of Condoms" 🔒 (E) by eeyore9990 | 20,227 | Stiles feels the crushing weight of his family's debt; Derek has piles of money. Derek needs to get laid; Stiles is a willing and eager virgin. It's a match made in... well. Beacon Hills. Eesh.

—Stiles/Peter—

"gave your smile to me" (T) by Sarageek16 | 4,784 | In which Stiles is a hooker (but not really), Derek wants to feed his skinny little body, and there is soup. Not necessarily in that order.

"Men of Taste" (E) by dizzzylu | 3,737 | It starts with a leather portfolio; a gift from Peter the day Derek is promoted to junior partner. He flips through the last few pages of cards, taking his time. Among them are several swanky nightclubs, a discreet gentlemen's club, a selection of the city's more opulent fetish clubs, as well as New York's most elite, and secretive, escort agency.

"Gravity's Got Nothing on You" (E) by zosofi | 83,979 | “Three weeks,” Derek says. “Still don’t want to,” Stiles says. “I’ll pay you,” Derek says, and that… that has Stiles interested. “How much,” Stiles asks, “are we talking here? Because I know your family, dude. And it’ll be kind of awkward after.” “My family thinks you’re some sort of fucking gift to the world,” Derek seethes, like he’s jealous, “they’ll probably be pissed at me when we break it off, so don’t worry about that. Five hundred bucks.”

"one kiss (you burn)" (E) by anonymous | 1,953 | Stiles just wants to pop his cherry.

"Red Wall" (E) by veterization | 37,627 | Peter finds Stiles selling himself on the streets years after leaving Beacon Hills. He takes him in.

"A Delicate Beast" (E) by anonymous | 7,536 | Stiles flicks his eyes to Peter and has to almost instantly drag them away again in fear. This man wants to assault me.

"Loan Wolves" (E) by veterization | 117,313 | At seventeen, Stiles' mother dies, and suddenly, with bills piling up, Stiles and his father are in financial straits. Enter Peter Hale, the loan shark.

"Conduit" 🔒 (E) by DarkIsRising | 52,428 | A cool 10k to spend a weekend with some rich guy getting plowed in his familial estate during some hoity-toity engagement party for Rich Guy’s niece, with an extra 2k on offer if he can make his ex-husband visibly seethe with jealousy.

"A Spoonful of Sugar" (E) by Twisted_Mind | 31,133 | He blames Lydia. He would never have even considered this if she hadn't mentioned it like it was legit. But short of falling down the rabbit hole of student debt, he doesn't have a whole lot of options. So, whatever, he can try the sugar baby thing. No one has to know.

••••••

[chunkypossum]

Hello, hope you’re doing well I just wanted to thank you for curing my disability. You’re probably wondering what the fuck, let me explain.

I’m really dyslexic and I only really learned how to read in the sixth grade and it’s still mostly impossible for me to write a grammatically correct sentence. My dream as a kid was to one day read a big chapter book, once I got to high school I could read, in fact I was a very good reader, but I believed that I couldn’t read. Years of people telling me that I’m stupid and that I will never be able to had rubbed off on me. So I experienced the medium of literature through audiobooks. The night of New Year’s last year I stayed up till 2 AM in my tired and delirious state I went on Ao3 thinking it would be funny if I tried reading about an acotar crack ship. I didn’t like any of them, but I was determined to find something I found decent. And that is when I found the fic that for the longest time I pronounced as Kratos, for some reason ( now I know how to say it ) Kerosene. It was then that I did something I thought impossible, I read for three straight days. Anyway I love reading and you helped me realize that.

I don’t know how to express how much I love this medium, and that you were a big part in helping me realize how beautiful words on a page can be, not just hearing them read to me, but actually reading and experiencing what the characters are going through. As silly as it sounds your fanfiction about gay fairies going on a Brokeback mountain adventure to defeat an evil Lord and having a sex along the way change my life and my art.

I’ve been meaning to write this to you since I found out who you were, but I didn’t wanna be vulnerable on the Internet, or with a stranger but I’m past that immaturity so, here you go. Thank you.

IM SORRY?!? Excuuuuuse me? WHAT? BRB, sobbing on a Monday.

I think I’ve read this a million times and I cannot get over it. As soon as I figure out how to get this tattooed onto my soul I’ll let you know.

If you come off anon so I can hug you I promise to be nice. 😭😭😭

I’m so stupidly flattered but also so super fucking happy that you have found a way to enjoy reading!!! This is so beautiful and I’m so very happy for you.

As a pitiful thank you for making my whole year here is a silly Azris art WIP sneak peek

[brummelliana]

just wanted to say that I LOVE your art and CBML is a masterpiece. you’re such a breath of fresh air in the trash-heap that is the Beatles fandom. you exaggerate the Beatles in such a funny way on so many levels it’s literally genius.

Thank you, stranger.

I have been aware of Beatles internet since 2018, the same time the madness started. I'm sure there have been people who experienced more Beatles internet eras than me.

I must say that the active-ness varied throughout the years, and the culture certainly shifts in different directions. Beatles things are released, that'll bring in new fans, such as Get Back in 2022. Younger people join, ect.

I do have a soft spot for 2018. There was a lot of stuff about the Beatles Cartoon. I fucking love the Beatles cartoon. I wish people focused more on that.

An aspect of my character which seems uncommon is that I don't put the Beatles on a pedestal. They are dirty, horrible men who have done naughty naughty things. Sure the music is nice or whatever. Some people do not like the disrespect, but I really do not care. What's Paul going to do? Spank me? I wish.

I like the Beatles fandom for the most part. There are a lot of wonderful artists, some gone, but still in my heart and dropbox folders. I'm not on tiktok or twitter, but I heard they're a little, y'know. Can't say for sure.

Boy do I love those four fat sluts.

[grandwitchbird]

This person left the most beautiful tags but doesn’t allow @s so I just wanted to say, absolutely yes! These are exactly the questions the text is asking you to think about.

My word choice was both a direct quote from the Inquisitor’s exhausted frustration at the end of trespasser and an allusion to the ethical frame this game is attempting (it muddies the waters for itself so nobody feel bad if you didn’t get this). ‘Fixing’ here affords us an interesting bit of linguistic slippage. To fix is to bind, to correct, to repair, to locate. It suggests an objectivity to the world that’s not actually possible as the tagger so correctly notes.

The incoherence of ‘fixing’ the world as a goal is the point. The end of history is a very real goal and seemingly sincere set of beliefs for some very real people, and it’s equally incoherent. It’s also rooted in impulses we all have. It’s our weakness to nostalgia, the push for easy answers to complex problems, the capacity to treat others as tools or inconveniences that need to be solved, the desire to see the world as a linear narrative. The end of history, the final solution, the death drive. All lenses onto the last 150 years of people trying to figure this out in ways that range from strange to horrifying.

Dragon Age is too beholden to the weak ethics fueled by these impulses. But it is pushing at them. This is what people are picking up on when they say the game/s have ‘heart’. There’s a desire in the text to be more ethically rigorous. It’s undermined by too much consideration for the audience. But it is there. And it’s especially there whenever Solas is onscreen.

Dragon Age has been doing a really clever thing with its protagonists and the heroic power fantasy that only fully comes together when you look at the series as a whole, so let’s do another ramble. Under a cut to save your dash.

Origins is a traditional RPG power fantasy. It likes to tell you that it’s not by gesturing at Loghain and alluding to unreliable narratives, but what it shows is the power fantasy. No matter what your warden does, they’re the hero. Are you a casual genocide enthusiast? No problem you can still ride off into the sunset looking for a cure. Also hey you have a critical weakness/flaw (the calling) that kind of dooms you or gives you cause to vaguely ride of into the sunset. Very heroic indeed. There’s a layer of textual interest added by the presence of unreliable narratives, but ultimately it’s the hero’s choices that shape and determine the world and story, right down to very gamified relationships. The origins system itself, the fact that your warden could have been anyone, is the actual textual proof that this isn’t all that’s going on. It just only really gets paid off by later games, and that’s pretty important given where this franchise ended up.

—

Enter DA2. Hawke is a champion, not a hero. Hawke fights for those who can’t fight themselves. Hawke can’t save the world. They can’t even save their family or city. It’s a battle of attrition that sees them somehow worse off no matter what. The still-gamified but now more nuanced and challenging relationships become the focus because they’re really all Hawke has. Now the power fantasy is still lurking around the edges. It’s just challenged at every turn. You can free Kirkwall, but Anders is always going to blow up a church.

—

Which brings us to Inquisition. Somehow, you’re both as much of a nobody as Hawke and you’re responsible for more than the Warden. And it’s miserable. The power fantasy is constantly undermined. No matter who your inquisitor was, by the end of the game they’ve been completely subsumed by their role: turns out power has teeth.

In a move that delivers on the unreliable narrative throughline that Origins established and DA2 strengthened, the Inquisitor must play the hero and save the world. It doesn’t matter if your Inquisitor is a kind person doing their best or a racist power-hungry asshole, and that is now a systemic issue within the world itself. The erosion of your character’s personhood is explicit within the text as characters struggle to see you as more than your role and you’re asked to shape the faith of an entire world even if you don’t share that faith. The cost of this erosion is made incredibly literal with Ameridan’s story and then in Trespasser, where the anchor, both cause and symbol of the Inquisitor’s role and power, is killing them. Relationships become somewhat less gamified but more importantly, you’re given an explicit textual mirror in Solas. He’s there to reflect your behavior but also your loss of personhood to a role. It’s essential that he’s the one to save your life at the end of Trespasser. Even if you’ve never shown him a moment’s grace, here is your mirror to see you as a person one last time.

—

And then there’s Rook. Now we play a mirror to Solas, a character who has been the hero, Mythal’s champion, and a man subsumed by his role/s. He’s really the narrative gift that keeps giving.

We walk the dreadwolf’s path this time, and the dreadwolf is a classic tragic hero. He’s stuck in a story where he must save the world and where a critical flaw will always be his downfall. We’re Varric’s second who must step up to champion his cause after the events of the introduction. And we’re barely keeping ourselves together under the burden of leadership. And here is where Veilguard finally delivers everything this franchise ever promised. Because under all that we’re truly just some guy. Just like Solas is just a guy who got stuck in situations he never wanted. His response was to become the hero or play the villain (depending on the story) because that’s easier. But if Rook can truly choose the ‘hard truth’ that the world is never going to “stay fixed” (oh hi Inquisitor… and Hawke… and Warden) and that other people can have better ideas and make hard calls and their own choices? If we don’t have to ‘win’? Rook can reconcile the inevitable tragedies of this kind of story with their very human needs and escape the story altogether. The cost, of course, is the power fantasy.

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[a-concert-just-for-me]

May have gotten fuck-all done today, but at least I didn’t [redacted] like I wanted to. Small wins for the criminally insane‼️

[fitpacs]

<3

[danieyells]

Did you guys know i'm being perceived on the internet and maybe not all of the people who have ever perceived me agree with me?

I'm 30 years old and I have never considered that people may think differently from me and nobody has ever told me otherwise. No one has ever told me they were uncomfortable with the way i feel and with the things I enjoy before this is a brand new perspective

Guys did you know people have differing thoughts and feelings and may find you unsavory, be it for something minor or major? Has anybody else thought about this?

[17panicattacksinatrenchcoat]

thank you

hey everyone

i just wanted to say thank you to all the lovely people (yes, you!) who have been interacting with my blog for the past few weeks since its founding, especially my mutuals. everyone has been incredibly kind on here and I've had so much fun chatting with you all. I'm glad I started this little blog. I'm having a good time with it. (and I hope you are, too.)

expect more writing posts to come soon. i have a break in the coming weeks for the holidays, so i'll be able to work on this more then.

wishing you the best,

-a very sentimental max.

[dkettchen]

“I don’t even have a name in my own story”

ok but in said story’s defense: neither does Cinderella. Cinderella as a name is smth the english came up with for their translation, Aschenputtel is a (derogatory) job description, not a name

[frick6101719]

Any possibility of you taking “sponsors” of your own to write new chapters of It Might Kill Me? I’d pay good money for updates of your amazing writing and storytelling ❤️ honestly, you could definitely do creative or script writing as a side hustle - you are GOOD

Hi Anon! You are the absolute sweetest and truly comments and messages like this ARE sponsorship 🩶 I mean if you happen to be fabulously wealthy and would like to hire me as a full-time fic-writer I would certainly quit my day job, so please do let me know if this is the case 😘 I have been working on the new chapter, but it has been slow progress. I'm trying to keep it interesting, because as I'm writing it it is feeling a bit like filler, which absolutely shan't be borne. I haven't figured out exactly how I want to keep things alive and spicy yet, but my approach has always been just start writing and the solution will eventually come. That's what I'm doing now!

Also, on a personal note, I did recently reduce my hours at my day job because full-time, fully remote work was sucking my soul and left me feeling like the last thing I wanted to do on my evenings or days off was look at a screen. I'm glad to be working a bit less now, but it has been a season of trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and my two shiny new degrees, and the truth is: writing is what I want to do. I don't know how that could work yet, but this message has actually been such an encouraging ray of sunshine. It feels so good and reassuring to hear that someone likes my writing and thinks it's good enough that it could maybe make me a bit of money someday. So thank you for taking the time to brighten my day, and give me some much-needed encouragement in these twisty-turny days.

And please do reach out if you really are an eccentric millionaire who wants to hire a full-time fic-writer. I am very eager to hear more about this opportunity 😁

Much love

[ri-badguypilot]

okay well i can't send images on anon so the jig is up, but it's nothing ominous, i just baked you some cookies :3

Holy shit I'm sorry for doubting you stranger on the internet. I owe you a life debt(read: I can smuggle something onto the landship next time I'm out on operation). I am very easily bribed

[timmie15]

YOO Someone reposted my easter bunny Loader 4 sketch on Reddit and found out from a tag IT MADE MY DAY SO MUCH Since I'm so shy to post my random art other than on Tumblr

thank you kind strangers for appreciating the shit I post I love youuuuu alllllll <333333

In case ur curious what I'm talking about it's this post GAAAH

[1o1percentmilk]

would strangers on the internet be able to assure you that you’re real? i believe you’re real. i know i’m real. you’ve talked about your life as though you’ve lived in it

this is some sort of poetry to me. can i print this out and staple it to the back of my hand so that i never forget it

[ssreeder]

Sorry for sending that Jet/Suki ask a while ago. Saw your reblog tags under some chiptrillino art and it sounded like you shipped them. We rarepairists get overeager sometimes. I’ll just leave you alone. 😅

OMG ANON NOOOOO!!!

Please don’t leave me alone!! I’m so sorry! I have been struggling to answer asks for about a week (I’m very behind but I love every single ask I get) & I did post my love for Suki x Jet (jetki? Jetski?? Idk anon idk haha) & I’ve gotten a few asks about my Jet / Suki tags - I have just been trying to find the best way to answer.

You’re not overeager at all, I’m just a slow responder & forgetful. I am sort of showing some of their compatibility in my fic LIAB, but I don’t know if they’ll end up together or just friends (we’ll see… jets gotta live)

But they are one of my favorite ships because I think they have a lot of potential (if you don’t like Jet I’d probably skip this ask)

Jet is passionate, a skilled fighter, cocky, charming, a leader, attractive, cares about people (come on now he took in a bunch of orphans and built them a treehouse I’m not arguing with anyone about this) and has a tragic backstory.

Suki is also passionate, a skilled fighter, charming, a capable and strong leader, cares about people, funny, and a beautiful girl.

I feel like Suki would have the ability to put Jet in his place and have all the skills to back herself up if he challenged her. They would compliment each other in their fighting styles as well as their banter because they both have a sharp tongue and a snarky sense of humor. They both can relate to the pressure of being in a leadership position and depending on how you see Sukis backstory they could also share the pain of losing loved ones.

I think out of everyone, Suki has the best chance at making Jet WANT to be a better person and she could give him a reason to actually fear disappointing another person. Jet would also possibly feel truly loved for the first time since losing his parents so young which might help breakdown his cold exterior and soften him a little.

I’ve always really liked them together, and I have a few fic ideas with them as one of the main ships (haha & one with Zuko third wheeling them with his silly gay self) and all sorts of ideas of how they could grow and what a future together would look like… it’s just hard for me to articulate why I like them together so I hope I did them justice by answering this ask lol.

I’m sorry if I seemed like I was ignoring you, it was never my intention to make you feel like I wasn’t interested in answering… I just don’t know how to make my thoughts make sense sometimes (ignore the fics I’m writing those don’t count) so I hope this made sense!!